Monday, February 4, 2013

steps backward

This linky has been rather sketchy lately. Im sorry for that. I can't seem to sit in front of the computer and write a motivational post. I feel like I am lying to your faces...errr computer screens. So to be honest....I'm not doing so great. I feel like I can't get motivated or find the desire to stop shoving food into my mouth. Is the excuse that I am nursing going to hold up much longer. Ember is 5 months old and I still have plenty of weight to lose. Which is fine...I don't expect it to fall off, especially when I can't stop snacking all day long. I can't be mad really..Not at anything but myself. But I am mad. I am mad at myself. Almost every day I sit and ponder...telling myself things like is the day..your going to eat healthy all day long....your going to wake up at 5:30 and go to the will work hard because you want it...Then it happens I catch myself having my third snack of the day and its noon...ugh. Granted they are healthy positive thing is I never buy junk food. If I want something unhealthy or am having a sweet tooth fix, I have to munch on chocolate chips that are intended for baking. But still I can only eat so many cups of yogurt or apples or pb&js or almonds or string cheese before my love handles start saying hello. Healthy foods in unhealthy portions is not healthy eating. I feel so bloated its sickening. I honestly can step on the scale and not cry. It's not really the number that's bothering me. Its my self image, the way I feel in my pants, the feeling I get after eating too much...Thats what is really getting me down. I end the day mad at myself. I feel like when I am unhappy about myself and the way I look and feel I start to let little things bother me that shouldn't, I am not as good of a wife and mother. I hate catching myself being snappy and knowing deep down inside that its me..all me. I am the reason I am acting the way I am. That I have the power to change it and yet I feel so helpless to knowing how to fix it.

 Is it possible to want something so bad and be the first person to sabotage it?
 I am my own worse enemy.

I guess I can say for the most part I am happy. I am not as bad off as I could be. and where I am is purely off no diet and occasional exercise. So I know if I put in the work and time that my goals could be reached.  Why then don't I try a little harder to do a little better???